The Death Eater Files
by Queen of Duct Tape
Summary: A collection of oneshots about Death Eaters, all 55 words or less. This is not technically finished, as I will be writing more, but since every chapter is a story in itself, it's always complete. Enjoy!
1. Licorice

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

NEW! Death Eater Files website. Link on my profile.

We had to write stories in English in fifty-five words or less, and I got bored, so this is the result. Don't expect very regular updates, since each chapter is really a story of its own.

Disclaimer: Would this be called _fan_fiction if I owned it?

**One: Licorice**

"My lord, we have the boy." Snape dumped the Boy-Who-Just-Wouldn't-Die at Voldemort's feet.

"Great. Go away while I question him." Snape left. As he shut the door, he heard Voldemort asking, "Now, Potter, would I be more popular if I offered people licorice? Dumbledore has lemon drops."

_**fin**_


	2. Scrabble

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see last chapter

**Two: Scrabble**

Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape were playing Scrabble.

"No!" shouted Lucius. "I'm losing by a hundred points!"

"One hundred fifty, actually," said Snape. Barty Crouch raised an eyebrow.

"Don't look at me like that! How do you know the word 'spatiotemperal,' anyway?" Lucius asked.

"You forget that Hermione Granger is in my classes."

_**fin**_


	3. Lemon Drops

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Three: Lemon Drops**

Voldemort looked at his couch. He couldn't go near it without craving lemon drops since Dumbledore's visit.

"If he's trying to drive me insane, it's working," he commented, glaring at some flowers, which died.

Lucius Malfoy bounded in.

"Milord, look what we bought!"

"LEMON DROPS!" Voldemort glared. Lucius wished he would die.

**_fin_**


	4. Bella Tricks

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: See first chapter.

**Four: Bella Tricks**

Snape was drunk. He was holding onto the floor so he wouldn't fall off, and also laughing hysterically. Bellatrix Lestrange walked in.

"Bella!" He let go of the floor, miraculously not falling off. "I was thinking… you should prank people!"

"Why?"

"It's your name!" cried an equally drunk Rodolphus Lestrange. "Bellatrix… Bella tricks… get it?"

_**fin**_


	5. Marching Band

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: See first chapter.

**Five: Marching Band**

"I have decided that we need a marching band." Those were the words that caused all of the problems. If Voldemort didn't want a marching band, then Narcissa wouldn't be out here right now, passing through the tanning stage and into lobster-hood. She awaited the words that would decide her fate.

"SET ONE!"

Damn it.

_**fin**_


	6. Ping Pong

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: See first chapter

**Six: Ping-Pong**

For whatever reason, the Death Eaters were having a ping-pong tournament. I wouldn't ask why if I were you.

"MATCH POINT!" shouted Avery. He was playing Canadian doubles against Bellatrix and Narcissa. The score was 20-3.

"You idiot! You broke my concentration! _Avada Kedavra!_"

And that was how Lord Voldie ended the ping-pong tournament.

_**fin**_


	7. Moldy Voldy

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: See first chapter.

**Seven: Moldy Voldy**

"I'm melting!"

Lucius studied Voldemort closely. "No, you're not."

"So I'm molding. Melting sounds better."

"Obviously. Who wants a smelly Dark Lord?" asked Snape.

"Apparently there's no problem with a smelly Potions professor," muttered Wormtail.

"I do NOT smell!"

"Sorry, honey, but that's what happens when you don't wash your hair," said Bellatrix. Tricks. Whatever.

_**fin**_


	8. Parking

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: See first chapter.

**Eight: Parking**

The Death Eaters were attempting to park.

"Don't people have anything better to do?" asked Snape, who was driving in The Parking Lot From Hell. Avery spotted a car pulling out.

"There! Pull in, quick!" Snape did. Right into the car in front of them.

"That's it," said Bellatrix. "Next time I drive."

**_fin_**


	9. Dodgeball

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter.

**Nine: Dodgeball**

The Death Eaters and the Order were playing dodgeball. Dumbledore challenged Voldemort to a game, and here they were. Snape was into it. Narcissa was not.

"C'mon, Cissy, you can't just stand back here! Throw a ball at someone!"

She grabbed a ball out of the air and chucked it straight at Snape's head.

_**fin**_


	10. Therapy

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Ten: Therapy**

Severus Snape sat in an uncomfortable leather chair, twisting his hands in his lap.

"…and then I killed him…and that makes me sad…" He trailed off. The psychologist looked up.

"How do you feel about that?"

"Well, sad."

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder," the psychologist said, and then went back to doodling.

_**fin**_


	11. Ideas

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Eleven: Ideas**

"Milord, you need a new name. You-Know-Who is just so…childish."

"Oh! I have an idea! How about The-One-Everyone-Hates?"

"He-Whose-Name-Must-Be-Hyphenated."

"No— The-Pie-Stealer!" 

"That makes no sense."

"It makes more sense than El-Fearless-Leader."

"True."

Lord Voldemort buried his face in his hands.

**_fin_**


	12. Your Mom

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

Note: I am sorry if anyone is offended by 'your mom' jokes, I assure you that no offence is meant, and I am sure all of your mothers are wonderful people.

**Twelve: Your Mom**

Lord Voldemort, as we all know, is quite clearly insane. What transpires below is how the Death Eaters discovered this fact.

"Milord, don't you think we should put the sea shells is the lounge? The effect is rather—"

"YOUR MOM THINKS WE SHOULD PUT THE SEA SHELLS IN THE LOUNGE!"

_**fin**_


	13. Advertising

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Thirteen: Advertising**

The Death Eaters were at Hogwarts. Manning a booth. Voldemort stared at them in horror.

"What are you _doing_?" he hissed.

"It's our new advertising campaign," Lucius said proudly. Then, the bell rang. Students poured into the hallway. The Death Eaters began waving sign-up sheets and shouting.

"Join the Dark Side! We have cookies!"

_**fin**_


	14. April Fool's

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Fourteen: April Fool's**

Voldemort hummed to himself as he replaced all the candles in headquarters with some trick candles.

Two hours later…

"FIRE!" shouted Severus Snape, dashing about like a lunatic. "The place is on fire!"

Eventually, everyone was outside, watching as years of planning went down the drain. Voldemort cleared his throat.

"Well," he said. "April Fool's."

_**fin**_


	15. Wicked

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Fifteen: Wicked**

Voldemort gathered his followers for a very important meeting.

"My friends!" he cried. Everyone blinked. They weren't _friends_. "I have decided to forego killing, maiming, and torturing for a month while we perform the musical _Wicked_, as I believe Elphaba is rather like myself."

Later, MacNair was heard remarking, "I think he's finally snapped."

_**fin**_


	16. Visitor

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Sixteen: Visitor**

A girl walked into the Dark Side Headquarters.

"Hi, Voldie," she said, stealing a plate of cookies. She then proceeded to give Barty Crouch, Jr., a hug and leave as quickly as she had entered.

"What the hell was that?" asked Snape.

_**fin**_


	17. Secrets

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Seventeen: Secrets**

The Death Eaters were playing Truth or Dare.

"Truth or dare?" Bellatrix asked Narcissa.

"Dare."

"Go snog…Goyle." Narcissa shuddered, but did.

"Truth or dare?" she asked Voldemort.

"Truth."

"What's your biggest secret?"

"I…I can't tell left from right."

_**fin**_


	18. News

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Eighteen: News**

"You won't believe what Dumbledore's had printed in the _Prophet_," said Voldemort.

"He's announcing his engagement to McGonagall."

"He's announcing his engagement to Potter."

"He's found yet another of those Horcrux things."

"No!" shouted Voldemort. "He's gotten a new pair of socks!"

"Are you sure that's not the Quibbler?" asked Snape.

_**fin**_


	19. Shut Up

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Nineteen: Shut Up**

Everybody was telling Severus to shut up.

His boss.

"Milord, I think-"

"Shut up."

His colleagues.

"You don't look so good, Lucius."

"Shut up, Severus."

His family.

"Mother, have you taken your medicine?"

"Shut up, Toby."

His students.

"Now, class, today we are-"

"Shut up, Professor."

Even strangers.

"It's getting rather depressing."

"SHUT UP!"

_**fin**_

Note: I have received several comments from friends on that Snape's mother is referring to him as "Toby." This is because his father's name was Tobias, for which Toby is a nickname, and his mother needs medication, which she has obviously not taken, and so she is mistaking him for his father.


	20. Ice Cream

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

Inspired by bubbly ice cream in the Astrology Nerd's possession.

**Twenty: Ice Cream**

"Er…" said Wormtail. "Milord, there's bubbles in your ice cream."

"Don't be stupid. Ice cream doesn't bubble," Voldemort told him.

"That ice cream does," observed Narcissa. "Look down."

Voldemort did. "Those can't be bubbles."

"Milord, they gave you defective ice cream. You should sue," said Avery.

* * *

"Manager? I'd like to file a complaint…"

_**fin**_


	21. Fundraiser

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Twenty-One: Fundraiser**

"I have bad news," said Voldemort. "The new glittery robes have put us into debt. We need to raise money."

"We could have a lemonade stand."

"No, we should baby-sit."

"Pet-sitting's easier."

And so it was decided.

* * *

"Milord, the little dog's bitten off Lucius's hand…"

"So?"

"It's his wand hand."

"Bugger. Oh, well."

_**fin**_


	22. Mail

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Twenty-Two: Mail**

"Milord, what's a bomb?" asked Bellatrix.

"Why does it matter?"

"Well, someone's sent us one in the mail."

"It has a smiley face on it," interjected Lestrange.

"That's friendly. I wouldn't worry," Voldemort told them.

"It's…ticking," said Snape.

_tick…tick…tick…_

"Maybe it has a clock in it," suggested Bellatrix.

_tick…tick…_

BOOM.

_**fin**_


	23. Jeopardy!

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Twenty-Three: _Jeopardy!_**

"And the Final _Jeopardy!_ Category is…Harry Potter!" said Alex Trebec.

"Hiss," said Voldemort.

"This child of J.K. Rowling was born six months before the release of Half Blood Prince. Good luck."

* * *

"I'm sorry, the correct answer is Mackenzie Rowling."

"I won," said Avery. "But I said J.K., Jr."

"_Avada Kedavra!_" said Voldemort. "I win."

_**fin**_


	24. Paperclips

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Twenty-Four: Paperclips**

After World Domination Plan X failed…

"Do not fear, my followers! I have…Plan Y! Involving…paperclips." Voldemort had lost it. "We're going to make paperclip circles, put them in government offices, and conquer the world while the officials are busy finding the ends."

For a while nobody said anything. And then…

Barty's tongue flicked.

_**fin**_


	25. Post Its

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Twenty-Five: Post-Its**

"I have an announcement," Voldemort announced gravely. "We are out of Post-It notes."

The Death Eaters gasped.

"Yes. They are gone. You are all dismissed."

"Milord, wait!" cried Dolohov, dashing in. He held up a small card. "I have…a Wal-Mart gift card."

Voldemort grabbed the card from him and kissed it.

_**fin**_


	26. Bored

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Twenty-Six: Bored**

Wormtail was complaining.

"I'm bored," he told Snape, who didn't listen.

"Don't you think this is boring?" he asked Barty, who ignored him.

"There's nothing to do," he whined to Lucius, who kicked him.

"Milord, I'm—" he started to say to Voldemort, who interrupted him.

"_Crucio!"_

_**fin**_


	27. Sexy

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Twenty-Seven: Sexy**

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt," sang Voldemort.

"Er…milord?" said Bellatrix.

"So sexy it_ hurts_!" Voldemort continued.

"Are you quite alright, sir?" asked Dolohov.

"I'm too sexy for my nose, too sexy for my nose!"

"So that's why he has slits instead," said Snape. "I'd wondered."

_**fin**_


	28. Storytime

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Twenty-Eight: Storytime**

Voldemort had another wacky idea. Really.

"Are you sure about that, milord?" asked Rodolphus.

"Yes," said Voldemort from under his new princess hat. "We are having storytime."

"I hate stories," said Narcissa.

"Me too," said Bellatrix.

"Me three," said MacNair.

The Death Eaters left.

"Once upon a time…" Voldemort began.

_**fin**_


	29. Irony

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Twenty-Nine: Irony**

"Why are we watching Romeo and Juliet?" asked Snape, browsing his program.

"Narcissa discovered they are performing it here," Lucius said.

"Irony," Snape read, "is the audience knowing something the characters don't."

"They're gonna die," said Dolohov. "We should tell them that."

Avery tapped Romeo on the shoulder. "Hey, you're gonna die in the end."

_**fin**_


	30. Cravings

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Thirty: Cravings**

"I need Doritos," said Voldemort.

"We're going on a raid now, milord," said Rodolphus.

Reaching the muggle neighborhood, Voldemort began to twitch.

"Doritos," he said.

Through a window they could see a counter. On it were…

"DORITOS!" shouted Voldemort.

The Death Eaters didn't get their raid. But Voldemort got his Doritos. And a wanted poster.

_**fin**_


	31. Hoax

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Thirty-One: Hoax**

"I've been asked to be Minister of Magic," said Voldemort.

"It's a hoax, milord," Snape replied promptly.

"No, it's not," said a picture on the wall.

"Shut up, lowlife," said Avery, who had apparently done his vocabulary homework.

"I'm not actually alive," the picture said.

Voldemort accepted. People died. Life sucked.

_**fin**_


	32. Rehearsal

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: This is probably the only Death Eater File remotely related to another. See **Fifteen: Wicked**.

**Thirty-Two: Rehearsal**

"With you and I defying gravity!" sang Narcissa and Bellatrix. Very off key.

"Cut! You're off key again!" shouted Voldemort the director.

"Can't they do loathing? They're relatively good at that one," said Lucius as Doctor Dillamond.

"Loathing," the two said. "Unadulterated loathing."

Snape winced. "Somehow I don't think this was the greatest idea ever."

_**fin**_


	33. Grammar

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Thirty-Three: Grammar**

Avery was studying his grammar book.

"What are you doing?" asked Snape.

"Studying my grammar book. See here, this last comma rule says, 'Don't use commas like a stupid person.' Isn't that excellent advice?"

"All it tells me is 'don't copy Wormtail's homework' and I already knew that. And also we're out of school."

"So?"

_**fin**_


	34. Pippin

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: The third installment in my musical series.

**Thirty-Four: Pippin**

Rehearsals for _Wicked_ had not improved.

"There's a strange exhilaration! In such total detestation!" sang Narcissa and Bellatrix.

"We should have done _Pippin_," muttered Rosier.

"Okay," said Voldemort. "We'll do _Pippin_."

"Yes! Rivers belong where they can ramble, eagles…" Rosier trailed off. 

"What?" asked the Dark Lord.

"I don't know all the words."

_**fin**_


	35. Complaints

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Thirty-Five: Complaints**

"Why are we a laughing stock?" Voldemort asked the Queen of Duct Tape.

"Well," says I, "the way I see it, I had two choices. I could have written yet another cliché angst fic, or I could do an utterly hilarious spoof everyone loves."

Voldemort glared. The Queen of Duct Tape glared back.

_**fin**_


	36. Horoscopes

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Thirty-Six: Horoscopes**

"You're a Pisces?" the Astrology Nerd asked Narcissa.

"Yes."

"Today you will be attacked by rabid pink rabbits." Voldemort walked in.

"What _are_ you doing?"

"Horoscopes," said the Astrology Nerd. Voldemort pushed Narcissa out of her chair and sat down.

"Scorpio," he said. The Astrology Nerd grinned.

"Tomorrow you will be strangled by eels."

_**fin**_


	37. Bowling

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Thirty-Seven: Bowling**

The Death Eaters did not bowl well.

"Argh!" cried Snape, as he missed all the pins. Again.

"That's pathetic," said a left-handed girl in the lane next to them.

Bellatrix snuck a look at her score. "320! How do you get a 320!"

"I cheat."

"What an excellent idea!" cried Rookwood. "Uh…how do you cheat?"

_**fin**_


	38. Raisins

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Thirty-Eight: Raisins**

Somewhere in Indiana, the Death Eaters were being pelted with small projectiles.

"What are these things?" asked Snape.

"Better yet, why are we in Indiana?" Lucius asked.

"So I can throw raisins at you," said Andrew, emerging from behind a large brick pillar with no obvious purpose.

"Shut up, hairy muggle," said Dolohov.

_**fin**_


	39. Real Genius

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: I am in no way affiliated with the production Real Genius, as it came out a few years before I was born.

**Thirty-Nine: Real Genius**

When the Death Eaters returned to the UK, they were in for a bit of a surprise.

"What the hell happened to my house!" asked/shouted Voldemort. "I told Jerry to supervise the remodeling!"

"About that…" said a blonde guy nearby. "The popcorn really is an improvement on the colour scheme."

"Like hell it is!"

_**fin**_


	40. Utopia

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Forty: Utopia**

"Now, class, we are going to create our own utopias," said an English teacher.

"Excellent," said Voldemort. "I rule, and there are no muggles or mudbloods."

Voldemort's group failed. As the teacher said, "It would never work."

Narcissa and Bellatrix aced it with a good economy and natural resources. And llamas.

_**fin**_


	41. Fire

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Forty-One: Fire**

In the same school as the previous chapter, the Death Eaters were in the process of failing a World History class when the fire alarm went off.

"Second time in a week."

"I wonder if it was the auditorium lights again?"

Watching Rookwood run from the burning building, the Death Eaters knew the real culprit.

_**fin**_


	42. American Idol

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: _American Idol _belongs to Fremantle Media, 19 Entertainment, and FOX Network.

NOTE: This chapter was written by the Astrology Nerd; I do not watch _American Idol_ and have only the vaguest idea as to what it is.

**Forty-Two: American Idol**

"Wormtail! Change the channel!" Voldemort yelled.

"Milord, I'm trying to find it in high-definition," Wormtail whimpered.

"Just give it to me. _American Idol_'s on, and I want to see who goes home!" Voldemort snatched the remote.

"America, you voted, and Chris, _you_ are leaving us tonight," Ryan Seacrest said on the television.

"_WHAT_!" Wormtail wailed.

_**fin**_


	43. War

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: companion piece to **Thirty-Eight: Raisins**.

**Forty-Three: War**

Back in Indiana, the Death Eaters were preparing for a siege.

Andrew was laughing and casually chucking raisins at their upturned table. And then…

A tortilla chip hit him in the forehead.

Andrew blinked. And then…

"FOOD FIGHT!"

Total chaos ensued.

_**fin**_


	44. Writing

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Forty-Four: Writing**

"Hmm…" said Voldemort. "What should we have us do?"

"We could go shopping," suggested Narcissa.

"No. Not even figuratively," Lucius told her.

"I've got it!" shouted Voldemort. He scribbled something on a piece of paper. "Take THAT, Queen of Duct Tape!"

"What _are_ you doing?" asked Rosier.

"Writing our own Death Eater File," replied Voldemort.

_**fin**_


	45. Kazoos

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT 

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Forty-Five: Kazoos**

Narcissa and Lucius went to a band concert. The next day…

"Look what we bought!" Lucius said excitedly. He took some brightly coloured tubes out of a bag and began passing them out.

"Uh…what are these things?" asked Dolohov, examining his.

"Kazoos."

_**fin**_


	46. Bad Joke

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: companion piece to **Fourteen: April Fool's**.

**Forty-Six: Bad Joke**

"That was a stupid idea," said Snape. "Where did you get magical trick candles, anyway?"

"Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes," Voldemort muttered.

"It's the Weasleys' fault we're shopping real estate?" Lucius perked up for the first time since his stilettos were destroyed in the inferno. "Can I torture them?"

"NO!" said the other Death Eaters. In unison.

_**fin**_


	47. Real Estate

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Companion to **Fourteen: April Fool's** and **Forty-Six: Bad Joke**.

**Forty-Seven: Real Estate**

A smoldering pile of ashes (formerly a real estate agent) joined seven others like it (formerly him) on the Death Eaters' front lawn.

"Why will nobody buy our property?" Voldemort wanted to know.

"Gee, I don't know," said Snape sarcastically.

"Maybe because you burnt the house down," said Bellatrix.

"Duh," added Barty Crouch, Jr.

_**fin**_


	48. Fall Out

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: The fourth in my musical saga.

**Forty-Eight: Fall Out**

The rehearsals for Pippin were falling apart. They had no Theo, since Barty had refused the part. Rosier, as Pippin, had a terrible voice that kept cracking on notes. It didn't help that the Lead Player (Crabbe) couldn't memorize lines. Although he had a lovely singing voice.

"I knew this was a bad idea…" said Narcissa.

_**fin**_


	49. RENT

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: The fifth musical piece.

**Forty-Nine: RENT**

"Milord," said Snape. "Pippin was a terrible idea." He glared at Rosier.

"So?"

"So, why don't we do something else?"

"Such as…"

"Oh!" said Lucius. "Let's do RENT! _Pleeeeeeeeeease_, milord, let us do Rent! To going against the grain, going insane, going maaaaaaaaaad!"

"No," said Voldemort. "Let's not do RENT."

_**fin**_


	50. Antiques

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Fifty: Antiques**

Voldemort had taken his minions to an antique shop.

"What's this?" asked Dolohov, eyeing an object disdainfully.

"A butter churn," said Avery, who really is smarter than we give him credit for.

"Look at this spoon!" cried Snape, stroking the utensil.

"Amazing!" exclaimed Avery. "Just look at that inlay, milord!"

"Er," said Voldemort. "Gorgeous…"

_**fin**_


	51. Dignity

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Fifty-One: Dignity**

"I'm sorry, sir, but you need proper documentation."

Voldemort glared at the airport worker, who wasn't fazed in the least.

"Fine," he said, marching out of the airport with as much dignity as one can have when they have a piece of toilet paper stuck to their shoe.

"Yes!" cried Amycus. "ROAD TRIP!"

_**fin**_


	52. Road Trip

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Fifty-Two: Road Trip**

The Death Eaters had piled into a fifteen-passenger van, which was considerable since there were actually twenty of them.

"Milord?" said Alecto. "What do we do when we reach the English Channel?"

"We'll handle that when we get there," said Voldemort dismissively.

Suddenly, sirens were heard behind them.

"Shit," said Snape. "Pull over!"

Voldemort, of course, accelerated.

_**fin**_


	53. Nicknames

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Fifty-Three: Nicknames**

"I've found an excellent name for Voldie," said QDT to the Astrology Nerd.

"Really?" said the Astrology Nerd. "And what's that?"

"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Without-Eerie-Music-Playing-In-The-Background."

"Why do I see a Death Eater File in the future?"

"Because you're intelligent, unlike He-Of-The-Numerous-Nicknames."

_**fin**_


	54. Toilet Day

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: This chapter was written by the Astrology Nerd; Toilet Day was her idea, Toilet Day is her Death Eater File.

**Fifty-Four: Toilet Day**

"Happy Toilet Day, milord!" Wormtail gave Voldemort a hug — in the bathroom.

"Wormtail, you idiot! Can't you see this is a _private_ stall?" Voldy snapped.

"Sorry, but I don't want to celebrate Toilet Day alone. Will you take me to the Toilet Day Festival?"

"No, and if you weren't so loyal, I'd have Crucio'd you."

_**fin**_


	55. Celebration

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Fifty-Five: Celebration**

The Death Eaters' glittery robes were debuting in a gloomy ballroom. They were celebrating, or, rather, were showing off their mad dancing skills and having toasts to get drunk. Eventually, they remembered their reason for celebration.

"To fifty-five chapters of fifty-five words!" cried Voldemort, drinking champagne and passing out.

"Hear, hear!" everyone cheered.

_**fin**_


	56. Birthday I

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Fifty-Six: Birthday I**

In a Malfoy Manor ballroom, the Death Eaters were celebrating Lucius's 50th birthday. Well, most of them were. Lucius was in an adjacent bathroom, moaning over wrinkles. Narcissa was outside banging on the door.

"Anyone in there? Let me in!…Never mind. _Alohomora_!…Lucius, what's wrong?"

"I'm _old_!" he cried. Literally. With tears and everything.

_**fin**_


	57. Birthday II

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Fifty-Seven: Birthday II**

"SURPRISE!" shouted the Death Eaters, jumping from behind furniture and promptly being hexed unconscious by Dolohov, who was afraid of the dark, and thus jumpy at times.

Sitting in St. Mungo's lobby with Voldemort (who was above frivolous things like birthdays, mostly because he didn't want to reveal his age), Dolohov muttered to himself, "Some party."

_**fin**_


	58. AOL

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Fifty-Eight: AOL**

Barty Crouch, Jr. had installed an AOL sample CD from Wal-Mart onto a computer. He then jumped up and ran to Voldie's side whilst doing a victory dance.

"Milord!" he shouted. "Come see this!" He dragged the Dark Lord to the computer and logged in.

"You've got mail," said the computer.

"Ooh," said Voldemort.

_**fin**_


	59. Sims

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Fifty-Nine: Sims**

The Death Eaters had, in their newfound computer lab, installed the Sims.

"Yes! SimBella has earned a logic point!"

"After eating SimRodolphus's dinner!"

"No! SimLucius burned to death!"

"Have SimNarcissa plead."

"Not a chance," said Narcissa.

"Don't save the game," suggested Rookwood. "Damn! SimAugustus wet himself."

"Did you really?" asked Wormtail.

"It's a game, genius."

_**fin**_


	60. Purple

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Sixty: Purple**

In a Potions accident, Snape managed to dye the kitchen walls purple.

Later, Lucius discovered the remains and used them in a misguided cooking attempt. Soon, all the silverware was purple.

Narcissa threw out the charred mess, which turned the trash truck purple, and so on until the entire world was violet.

"Oops," said Snape.

_**fin**_


	61. Uncomfortable

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Sixty-One: Uncomfortable**

"Er…" said Voldemort one day over dinner. "You don't think that we actually hurt people on our raids, do you?" He looked decidedly perturbed.

"Well, yes," said Bellatrix.

"Most definitely," added Narcissa.

"That's the entire point," said Barty.

"Here." Snape handed the Dark Lord a business card. "Call my therapist. She's very good."

_**fin**_


	62. Online

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Sixty-Two: Online**

After getting bored with the Sims, the Death Eaters braved the vast expanse that is…the World Wide Web.

"Milord," said Rosier after a few days, "we need a website."

"What an excellent idea!"

"Marvelous!"

"Why didn't I think of that?"

"Er…" said Barty. "Do any of us know _how_ to get a website?"

_**fin**_


	63. Website

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

NEW! Death Eater Files website. (Seriously.) Link on my profile.

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Sixty-Three: Website**

After several days of frustration (and the deaths of innocent muggles), the Death Eaters did, eventually, get a website. They were quite pleased with themselves until a rather discouraging thought occurred to Barty.

"How do we put stuff on our website?" he asked.

"HTML," said a girl.

"Age-tee what?" asked Amycus, confused.

_**fin**_


	64. Nails

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter.

**Sixty-Four: Nails**

"I hate it!" cried Voldie, scrubbing his nails in the sink.

"Er…hate what, milord?" asked Rabastan in his grand debut in the Death Eater Files. "Surely it can't be that bad."

"It is," insisted Voldemort. "I have dirt under my nails!"

"From what?" asked Amycus.

"Eating breakfast!" shouted the Dark Lord, scrubbing harder.

_**fin**_


	65. Analogies

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter.

NOTE: Written by Txenriks, a friend of mine. Based on the standardized testing we were tortured with all week. These are actual questions on the test, but there will be different ones by next year, never fear.

**Sixty-Five: Analogies **

The Death Eaters were taking a standardized test. And they were talking, which is against the rules. But that's why they're Death Eaters.

"An apple is to a duck what a quarter is to a…WTF!" Narcissa yelled.

"Sun is to prism what 36 is to math symbols…?" Wormtail whined.

"Torture's fun," said Voldemort.

_**fin**_


	66. Problems

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter.

NOTE: Written by Txenriks. Axel is from Kingdom Hearts, although I really have no idea what that is. But Txenriks does, and she wrote it, so that's okay.

**Sixty-Six: Problems**

"So you want to join us?" Snape asked.

"Yes," replied Axel from KH2.

"Sorry, we don't accept overused gay pedophiles with pyromaniac and anorexic problems," Snape said loudly, then looked behind him and shut the door. "Actually, we would have let you join, but Wormtail became your fanboy and Moldylord got annoyed and banned you."

_**fin**_


	67. Rayble

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter.

NOTE: Written by Txenriks. Based on the memory portion of the statewide standardized testing we have been doing all week. The nonsense words are actual nonsense words from the test, but they will have changed by next year, so we can post this anyway. Sequel to **Sixty-Five: Analogies**.

**Sixty-Seven: Rayble**

Moldylord had gotten bored picking the wings off flies, so there was another test for the Death Eaters in progress. A memory test.

Wormtail bumped into Lucius, their noses stuck in the test pamphlet. "A korf is a tiger…a korf is a tiger…"

"A rayble is a swampy place!" came from the bathroom.

_**fin**_


	68. Bruzzle

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter.

NOTE: Written in part by Txenriks, and partly by me. The third standardized testing ficlet.

**Sixty-Eight: Bruzzle**

"A bruzzle is a…wide-brimmed hat, dammit!" Snape muttered in his sleep. "A feshpin is a wallet," he continued, drooling.

"Shut up," said Barty, throwing a pillow.

Snape, still sleeping, muttered, "A kurn is…is…the hell is a kurn?" He tossed a bit.

This annoyed Barty, who woke him up with a foghorn.

_**fin**_


	69. Fanart

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter.

NOTE: Written by Txenriks. DA is a website called Deviant Art. I am terribly sorry if m-preg offends anyone, but, hey, if the shoe fits…

…beat someone senseless with it.

**Sixty-Nine: Fanart**

Lucius was on the internet when Snape walked up.

"Severus, we found this artist on DA."

Snape looked. And looked again.

"What! Th-that's me!"

"Well, sort of. That's you, only more…pregnant."

Weeks later, DA artists mourned when the body of their favourite yaoi artist turned up floating in the Gulf of Mexico.

_**fin**_


	70. Studying

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter.

NOTE: The fourth of the terrors of standardized testing.

**Seventy: Studying**

Avery was bent over his list. "A lench is a throne…" he muttered to himself.

Barty was replacing the lightbulbs in Headquarters with sprinklers. No one is quite sure why. Or how, for that matter.

"And a wogsin is a gift, a smirl is a motorcycle, yes, yes, fine, _shut up already_!" Barty shouted.

_**fin**_


	71. OOC

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter.

**Seventy-One: OOC**

"Out of character," said Voldie, royally pissed off. "Out of _character_."

The Death Eaters kept a safe distance away and tiptoed silently past his room. Except Wormtail, who fell over.

"I'm a _person_," continued Voldemort. "I don't act out of _character_. I am the most evil wizard alive. Now, where are my pink bunny slippers?"

_**fin**_


	72. Umbrella

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Written by Txenriks.

**Seventy-Two: Umbrella**

The Death Eaters' ceiling had decided to spontaeneously combust overnight, and it was raining.

Understandably, a miniature World War was now breaking out over the umbrellas. Snape and Lucius reached for the last umbrella simultaneously. After a huge tussle, Snape snatched it away and held it over his head triumphantly.

"Mine!"

Lightning struck Snape.

_**fin**_


	73. Camping

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Written by Txenriks.

**Seventy-Three: Camping**

The Death Eaters woke up.

"Where are we?" Narcissa asked.

"Our campground," Moldylord said happily. "In Canada."

"Canada? But don't Sasquatches live in Canada?" Thay all huddled together, afraid of the Sasquatches.

"Quick milord, give us the supplies so we can build a fire to repel Sasquatches." Bellatrix whispered urgently.

"Supplies? What're supplies?" Moldylord asked.

_**fin**_


	74. Helium

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Written by Txenriks

**Seventy-Four: Balloons**

"Helium sure is good stuff," Moldylord said in a very squeaky voice. "Y'know guys, we should sing a quartet." Moldylord, Snape, Lucius, and Goyle each took a long draft from their balloons.

"Looovin' yoooou is eeasy 'cause you're beau-tii-fuuulll... doo-en-doo-en-doo-oooooo, EEEaaughEEEAAAEIEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEeeEE!" they sang.

Moldylord excused himself soon after, saying he had something in his eye.

_**fin**_


	75. Mullet

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Written by Txenriks.

**Seventy-Five: Mullet**

"You like it? You're sure it's not too much?"

"Of course not milord," Wormtail simpered. "It looks suave on you."

"You do know that I'll kill you if you're lying."

"..."

Moldylord walked into the commonroom. His Eaters saw him and burst out laughing.

Moldylord stormed out. "I KNEW getting a mullet was a bad idea!"

_**fin**_


	76. History

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Seventy-Six: History**

"And then we had another war with the French…" Avery droned on.

Alecto was busily scribbling notes. She had already gone through two ink bottles and seven sheets of parchment, and Avery showed no signs of stopping.

Watching the rest of his followers snore softly, Voldie wondered how they would react to a pop quiz…

_**fin**_


	77. Alarm

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Seventy-Seven: Alarm**

"Armed. Stay. Exit now," said the newly installed high-tech alarm system at Headquarters.

"Whoa!" cried Rabastan, jumping back from the talking piece of plasitc.

Suddenly, Voldie wondered if this had been a good idea.

"That thing's weird," said Rosier.

"I like it," said Avery.

"How're we supposed to stay and exit simultaneously?" asked Snape.

_**fin**_


	78. Water Ride

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Seventy-Eight: Water Ride**

"I'm freezing," said Rosier, shivering.

"It's your own fault," said Bellatrix unsympathetically.

"You really shouldn't have done that," added Narcissa.

"Whose stupid idea was it to go on the water ride in fifty degree weather, anyway?" asked Alecto.

"Wormtail's," said Rodolphus, also shivering.

"Figures," said Barty.

_**fin**_


	79. Signs

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Companion piece to **Fifty-One: Dignity**.

**Seventy-Nine: Signs**

"Where do we leave?" asked Snape, looking at the numerous exit signs scattered throughout the airport.

"Underneath the big red sign that says 'exit,'" said Barty, rolling his eyes.

"Which one?" asked Snape.

"Pick one," suggested Dolohov.

"Eenie, meenie, miney, moe…" said Snape. "That one!"

That one happened to set off an alarm.

"Oops."

_**fin**_


	80. Shopping

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Eighty: Shopping**

The Death Eaters were going shopping. Narcissa, Lucius, and Bellatrix led the way while the others huddled behind them. Lucius, despite earlier misgivings, found the mall quite pleasant, and had bought five pairs of stilettos to replace those lost in the fire.

But the others were panicking. Until…

"Yes! Princess hats!" cried Voldemort.

_**fin**_


	81. Pleshelds

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Yet another continuation of the memory test.

**Eighty-One: Pleshelds**

Avery had dragged the Death Eaters to a history convention.

"Why are we here?" asked Rookwood, looking enviously at Crabbe, who was snoring in a corner.

"We're studying pleshelds," said Alecto.

"Studying _what_?" asked Rosier.

"Pleshelds,' Alecto repeated.

"Which are…?" prompted Dolohov.

"Historic documents," answered Barty in a bored voice, eyeing one with disdain.

_**fin**_


	82. Molting

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Eighty-Two: Molting**

Voldemort was, for whatever reason, shedding feathers as he walked. Well, as he did everything, actually.

"Er…milord?" said Greyback. "You're…molting.

"Molting?" said Barty. "That's excellent! Now, instead of Voldemort, we can call you Voldemolt!"

The Death Eaters stared blankly at him.

"What?" asked Barty. "I think it's a great idea!"

"Gah," said Voldemort, shedding more feathers.

_**fin**_


	83. Mrs Riddle

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Written by Txenriks.

**Eighty-Three: Mrs. Riddle**

"Milord, it's for you."

"Hello?" Voldemort asked. "Mother?…I thought you were dead!…NO THERE ARE NO GRANDCHILDREN!…I'm not going to visit; I have an evil group to run…I assure you, there is no need for rubber sheets. No, don't bring cookies!"

He pointed his wand at the phone. "_Avada_ _Kedavra_!"

_**fin**_


	84. Oxymorons

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Written by Txenriks.

**Eighty-Four: Oxymoron**

"You know," said Lucius, "you're face is pretty ugly."

"Why don't you go off with Moldy Voldy so you can be alone together?" Snape retorted.

"Stop using oxymorons!" shouted Bellatrix.

"What's that, a cow with a low IQ or what?"

"You're a dunce."

_**fin**_


	85. Minimalist

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Written by Txenriks. Also, sequel to **Five: Marching Band**.

**Eighty-Five: Minimalist**

"Sorry about the marching band loss, milord."

"That was completely ridiculous! The judge didn't know what he was doing! I mean, that band didn't even _play_ at all!"

"It's called 'minimalism,' milord."

"Yeah, and they'll be applauded worldwide for their 'groundbreaking' and 'unique' style!"

"So true, milord."

"I HATE CRITICS!"

_**fin**_


	86. Boxers

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Written by Txenriks.

**Eighty-Six: Boxers**

"Gimme."

"No."

"Gimme."

"What?"

"Gimme."

"For the LAST TIME, Moldylord, you CAN'T borrow my penguin boxers!" Snape yelled loudly.

Everyone looked at him. "You have penguin boxers?"

_**fin**_


	87. Safety Dance

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Written by Txenriks.

**Eighty-Seven: Safety Dance**

"Safety dance!" sang Macnair and Rosier, sharing an iPod. "It's a safety dance!"

"Why is the dance safe?" Macnair wanted to know.

"I dunno, but it involved knights jousting," Rosier replied.

"But…that's not safe at all!"

"Maybe they wore helmets or something."

"I love voodoo, it's awesome," Macnair said randomly.

"What?"

_**fin**_


	88. Chimney

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Written by Txenriks.

**Eighty-Eight: Chimney**

It wasn't any typical chimney. And that's all I have to say on the matter.

_**fin**_


	89. Spell Bowl

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Eighty-Nine: Spell Bowl**

"Urgh!" cried Lucius, throwing a piece of chalk against the wall. "I _hate_ this!"

"Why?" asked the coach.

"Because I can't spell!"

Snape sniggered.

"The next word is…Stradivarius," said the coach.

Lucius attempted it, but then Snape began his "you're wrong" chant.

"You're wrong…you're wrong, you're wrong, your wrong…"

"GAH!"

_**fin**_


	90. Magnets

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Ninety: Magnets**

"Ooh," said Avery, sitting on the floor next to the refrigerator.

"That's cool…" said Snape, abandoning his jam.

Later, Voldemort wondered what the clacking noise from the kitchen was.

…_clack…clack…clack…_

He found his minions huddled around the refrigerator.

…_clack…clack…_went the little blue magnet.

"Ooh," said the Dark Lord.

_**fin**_


	91. Song

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Ninety-One: Song **

"I'm bored," said Voldie to his followers.

"This is the song that never ends," began Dolohov.

"NO." said Voldemolt.

_**fin**_


	92. Chief

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Ninety-Two: Chief**

"And then they made me their chief…" said Jack Sparrow, walking into Headquarters.

…_thumpthump…thumpthump…_went something in his pocket.

"What the hell?" asked Rabastan.

_**fin**_


	93. Discussion

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Ninety-Three: Discussion**

"So, milord, given any thought as to how Potter's gonna kill you?" asked Lucius conversationally. While baking a pie.

"Er…" said Voldemort, "I thought he'd just _Avada_ me…"

"Nonsense," said Dolohov. "Too abrupt."

"Personally," said Amycus, "I'm leaning more toward the buried-alive-with-leeches option."

Voldemort turned a rather interesting shade of green.

_**fin**_


	94. Night Hike

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Sequel to **Seventy-Three: Camping**.

**Ninety-Four: Night Hike**

Whilst camping in Canada, the Death Eaters thought that going on a night hike would give them the "full experience". 

That is, if "full" meant "pitch black with creepy, glowing eyes" and "experience" meant "being scared out of your wits".

"This was a bad idea…" said Rookwood, stepping on a twig.

Lucius screamed.

_**fin**_


	95. GAH!

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Ninety-Five: GAH!**

You might have noticed that the Death Eaters (namely, Voldemort) use the phrase "gah" quite frequently.

So it will come as no surprise when I tell you that one day, Rosier's wand misfired and turned the Dark Lord into a baby.

"GAH!" said the most evil wizard in history.

And that's the end of that.

_**fin**_


	96. Reading

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Ninety-Six: Reading**

What _is_ this?" asked Rodolphus.

"It's a book, genius," said Bellatrix.

"No, this page."

"Paper," said Wormtail, trying to be helpful. Voldemort smacked him.

"Shut up," said Rodolphus. "What has this guy been smoking? Books aren't pigeons."

"What?" asked everyone else, who had yet to open _Fahrenheit 451_.

"It's a simile," said Avery.

_**fin**_


	97. Rutabagas

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Ninety-Seven: Rutabagas**

"What are you smoking?"

"I'M SMOKING RUTABAGAS!"

_**fin**_


	98. Suspicion

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Ninety-Eight: Suspicion**

The muggles living next door to the Dark Side Headquarters were getting rather suspicious of the Death Eaters. Normally this would not bother Voldie in the least, but these particular muggles were conservative Christians.

"Eh," said Voldemort. "Maybe we can work something out…"

A sharpened spear was pressed to his neck.

"Or not…"

_**fin**_


	99. Slash

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**Ninety-Nine: Slash**

"Ah!" screeched Voldie. "The Death Eaters dashed to the computer lab.

"What's wrong?" asked Rabastan.

"It's horrible!" cried Voldemort, distraught.

Barty sneaked a glance at the computer screen and began to snigger. "It seems," he said with an evil glint in his eye, "that our dear Dark Lord has discovered slash fiction."

_**fin**_


	100. Centennial

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred: Centennial**

"Ladles and gentlespoons," said QDT, "today we are gathered to celebrate —"

No one was listening.

"Fine," QDT huffed. "Enjoy your alcohol and try not to kill each other."

"Can we kill you?"

"No. I'm the author. I am the only character who is pretty much guaranteed immortality."

"_Avada Kedavra!"_

Or not…

_**fin**_


	101. Resurrection

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred One: Resurrection**

After being killed by QDT for the umpteenth time, Avery was getting rather annoyed.

"Hey," he said, "why do I always die?"

The Queen of Duct Tape ignored him.

_"Avada Kedavra!"_ cried Voldie.

"Just like that," Avery sighed.

_**fin**_


	102. Option Two

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred Two: Option Two**

Voldemort had had a very bad day.

"GAH!" he said, which could have meant, "I have had a very bad day and need my minions to make me feel better," but could just have easily had the phrase, "because they are flammable," tacked onto the end.

"Milord?" Unfortunately for Avery, it was option number two.

_**fin**_


	103. Applications

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred Three: Applications**

It was to be the largest muggle-killing in Death Eater history. They need to infiltrate the ranks of airport employees, then — Well, actually, that was the problem.

"Milord, the letter said they were unable to acquire a transcript from the school I attended," said Bellatrix.

"So?"

"So they won't hire me, either."

"Not again!"

_**fin**_


	104. Cheating

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Companion piece to **One Hundred Three: Applications.**

**One Hundred Four: Cheating**

"Why did they hire Crouch?" Snape whined as Barty showed off his new airport uniform.

"Because I'm smarter than you, that's why."

"How did you get a transcript?" asked Bellatrix.

"I gave them my address as the school's and sent it in myself."

"But that's cheating!"

"Yeah. So?"

_**fin**_


	105. Empowered

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred Five: Empowered**

"I am empowered!" cried Voldemort.

"Who told you that?" asked Barty, flipping a page in his magazine.

"My writing teacher," said Voldie, placing a pencil behind his ear, where it looked quite silly. "I am going to write the best one-act play in history!"

"No, you're not," Barty told him.

"But _I_ am empowered!"

_**fin**_


	106. Unempowered

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Sequel to **One Hundred Five: Empowered.**

**One Hundred Six: Unempowered**

Back in his writing class, Voldemort was being demoralized.

"You seem like a person who wants lots of things," the teacher said. "You could make a character like that, just write from your heart."

Voldie didn't bother to tell her he didn't have a heart. "Does that mean I'm not empowered anymore?"

_**fin**_


	107. Opportunity

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Sequel to Files **105** and **106**.

**One Hundred Seven: Opportunity**

Voldemort still hadn't written one word of his play. His teacher was getting rather upset.

"This is an opportunity!" she screamed at him. "You are going to find out what you are good at, or I'll fail you!"

"I know what I'm good at. _Avada Kedavra_!"

Unfortunately, Voldie's wand slipped and he killed Avery instead.

_**fin**_


	108. Disorder

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred Eight: Disorder**

When Lucius didn't come out of the bathroom for a while, Wormtail got concerned.

"Milord, I think Lucius died."

"I DID NOT!" came a voice from the bathroom.

"He didn't," said Voldemort. "He's probably sick."

"He's not," said Barty. "he had pizza with frosting for breakfast as usual. _I_ think he's bulimic."

"Now that," said Snape, "I'll believe."

_**fin**_


	109. Home

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred Nine: Home**

"A man's home is his castle," read Voldemort, staring at the sign Lucius had hung in the kitchen.

"Isn't it just wonderful?" exclaimed Lucius. "I found it on sale while I was shopping for new stilettos."

"Yes, it's quite―" began Voldemort. "Wait. I'm an evil Dark Lord. My home should actually _be_ a castle."

_**fin**_


	110. Castle

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred Ten: Castle**

"What do you _mean_ it's not for sale?" whined Voldemort.

"Sir," said the tour guide, "the castle is not for sale."

"You don't understand. I _need _a castle to be properly evil and intimidating!"

"It's not for sale."

"I'll show _you_ what's not for sale," muttered Voldie. "_Avada Kedavra_!"

Nothing happened.

"WHO STOLE MY WAND?!" 

_**fin**_


	111. Deathly Hallows

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Vague Deathly Hallows spoiler warning. Except not really, because you could pretty much figure everything I say out for yourself.

**One Hundred Eleven: Deathly Hallows**

"Er, milord?" asked a Death Eater, poking his head into Voldemort's study.

"What?" snapped He-Whose-Name-Must-Be-Intimidating.

"Well, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was released the other day, and I kinda read it…"

"And?"

"And, I died. And if I hadn't died, then I'd be in Azkaban because you were defeated…"

"And?"

"And that kinda sucks."

_**fin**_


	112. 1776

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: the sixth in my musical series

**One Hundred Twelve: 1776**

"Milord?" asked Avery nerviously.

"WHAT?" shouted Voldemort.

"Let's face it…RENT isn't working out for us. I suggest a more practical, _historical_ musical, sir."

"Such as…?" asked Voldemort warily.

"1776. _On this humid Monday morning in this Congressional INCubator_ ―"

"What the hell?" asked Snape.

"I object," said Bellatrix.

"The Malfoy family votes nay," added Narcissa.

_**fin**_


	113. Richard Voldy Lee

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Written by the Astrology Nerd.

NOTE 2: The seventh musical installment.

**One Hundred Thirteen: Richard Voldy Lee**

"Slytherin moves to propose independence," Lucius said.

"I second the motion," Snape added.

"Severus, you know perfectly well Slytherin cannot second its own motion!" Bellatrix snapped.

"Besides, we're all Slytherins," Narcissa muttered under her breath.

Voldy grinned. "_Mah name is Richard Voldy Lee, Virginia is mah hooooooome_!"

"Do you even know where Virginia _is_, milord?"

_**fin**_


	114. Sit Down

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: The eighth in my musical series.

**One Hundred Fourteen: Sit Down**

"Guinea, Guinea, Guinea ― blackbirds for sale!" cried Rabastan, dancing rather clumsily on a desk.

"Sit down, John," sang Crabbe, who felt very proud of himself for actually memorizing his lines this time.

"What?" asked Rabastan.

"No, no, no, NO!" shouted Voldemort. "Not AGAIN!"

"Sir," said Alecto. "You're not the director this time, remember? You're Richard Voldie Lee."

_**fin**_


	115. Back to Indiana

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred Fifteen: Back to Indiana**

The Death Eaters were still in school. And now they were faced with a new challenge.

"Milord? What are we going to _do_?"

Voldie gulped.

Barty grinned. "Personally, I am joining the archery club."

"They don't have an archery club," said Bellatrix, horrified.

Barty handed some papers to the passing principal. "They do now."

_**fin**_


	116. Babysitting

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred Sixteen: Babysitting**

"Milord, I have a question…"

"No glitter?"

"No glitter. I wouldn't ask if we had another option, but we need someone to watch Draco tomorrow…could you…?"

"Of course. I enjoy small children."

Lucius blinked at this, but put it out of his mind.

* * *

"Well, Draco, now that it's just us, how about a story?"

_**fin**_


	117. Manicure

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: I was recently watching the fourth movie (again), and when Wormtail handed Voldie his wand, I came to the realization that Voldemort's fingernails are just as long as mine, and I personally pride myself on my nails and the multitude of colors that I put on them.

**One Hundred Seventeen: Manicure**

Voldie sighed, basking in the relaxation. No raids, no musical practices, no explosions… There was a definite boom. Voldemort opened his eyes.

"Sorry!" Lucius. Voldie sat up and turned around.

"_What_ are you doing here?"

"Milord…"

"One hour! All I want is one hour a week when I get my nails done in peace!"

_**fin**_


	118. Lord Thingy

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: I was rereading the books (as I am prone to doing) and came across an article from the _Daily Prophet_ in which Fudge, unable to bring himself to say Voldemort's name, referred to him as "Lord Thingy", which I am sure Voldemort found highly insulting.

**One Hundred Eighteen: Lord Thingy**

"Milord, you're on the news!" Peter skipped into headquarters, brandishing the newspaper.

"I'm the darkest wizard of all time, I'm very newsworthy." Voldemort snatched the paper away from Wormtail and read eagerly. "Lord THINGY?!" Who does Fudge think he is?" he screeched.

Barty patted his head. "Well, he _is_ the head of the Wizarding world."

_**fin**_


	119. Bad Day

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred Nineteen: Bad Day**

Voldemort was having a bad day. It was sunny and pleasant, Crabbe's garden was blooming, and headquarters was in mint condition, not crumbling or run-down at all.

And, to top it all off, the muggles next door were on holiday, and Voldemort wanted to kill something.

"Bad day, milord?" asked Avery.

"_Avada Kedavra!_"

_**fin**_


	120. Miffed

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred Twenty: Miffed**

Ever since seeing Deathly Hallows, Part 2, the Death Eaters had been avoiding Voldemort. He was moping, cursing anything that moved, generally throwing a hissy fit.

"Er, milord?" said Avery. "Do you think that when Potter destroyed you, it was kinda like when Anastasia destroyed Rasputin in that animated Muggle film?"

"_Avada Kedavra!_"

_**fin**_


	121. First Snowfall

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

**One Hundred Twenty-One: First Snowfall**

"It's the first snowfall of the winter! The first snowfall of the yeeeeeeaaaar!" sang Lucius, prancing about in search of his matching scarf and hat.

Headquarters was warm and cheery and nearly everyone was playing and/or singing Christmas carols. Voldemort was miserable.

"I hate snow," he moped. "It makes everyone so… so… so _happy_."

_**fin**_


	122. Kill Me Maybe

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: I am neither JK Rowling nor Carly Rae Jepsen.

**One Hundred Twenty-Two: Kill Me Maybe**

Avery had a song stuck in his head. Barty hated it.

"Hey, I just met you."

"No, we've known each for ages."

"And this is craaaaaaazy!"

"You're driving me crazy."

"But here's my number!"

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

"So call me—"

"_Avada Kedavra_!"

_**fin**_


	123. In the Way

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: See previous chapter.

**One Hundred Twenty-Three: In the Way**

Avery's constant renditions had left lasting effects on Barty's psyche, as Snape had the misfortune to find out once in the hallway.

"And now you're in my way."

"Sorry."

"Doo doo doodoodoodoo."

"What?"

"I killed Avery before I picked up all the words."

_**fin**_


	124. Going

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: See Chapter 122.

**One Hundred Twenty-Four: Going**

Now Snape was infected too, much to his own dismay. Passing Narcissa by the door, he inquired, "Where you think you're going, baby?"

WHAM. Lucius's handbag came out of nowhere.

"That is MY wife, and she will NOT be calling you!"

_**fin**_


	125. Meeting

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: See Chapter 122.

**One Hundred Twenty-Five: Meeting**

This _Call Me Maybe_ Nonsense was driving Voldemort nuts. He called the Death Eaters to a meeting.

"This is embarrassing. I won't have my followers caught singing Muggle songs!"

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named glared until they all looked sufficiently cowed.

"Milord... does this mean we're stopping production on _1776_?" asked a disappointed Rosier.

_**fin**_


	126. Opposite Day

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Credit for the idea for this chapter goes to reviewer **JeminiaMoon**.

**One Hundred Twenty-Six: Opposite Day**

"Happy Opposite Day!" trilled Lucius, prancing around Headquarters.

"Opposite day?" Lucius didn't stick around to tell Voldemort what that meant, so the Dark Lord jumped to his own conclusions.

"I ma gnikam a wen yadiloh," he declared, "Etisoppo Yad."

"What?" asked Wormtail.

"Etisoppo Yad!" insisted Drol Tromedlov.

_**fin**_


	127. Etisoppo Yad

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Credit to **JeminiaMoon** for the idea.

**One Hundred Twenty-Seven: Etisoppo Yad**

Eventually, the Death Eaters figured out "Etisoppo Yad". Voldemort refused to listen to normal speaking, so most of them had notebooks to write words down before trying to say them backwards.

Unfortunately, it became nearly impossible for others to interpret what they said, leading to an unfortunate misunderstanding resulting in a distinct lack of dinner.

_**fin**_


	128. Gnimoc Emoh

**The Death Eater Files**

By: QDT

Disclaimer: see first chapter

NOTE: Credit for the idea of Etisoppo Yad goes to **JeminiaMoon**.

**One Hundred Twenty-Eight: Gnimoc Emoh**

Given the amount of time it took for everyone to get the hang of Etisoppo Yad, Voldemort extended it to Etisoppo Keew, the last day of which corresponded to the end of the Hogwarts term.

"S'ocard gnimoc emoh yadot!" exclaimed Lucius as the door opened.

"What the devil is going on here?" asked Snape.

_**fin**_


End file.
